Second one to fly

I remember reading and hearing about so-and-so going through some sort of crisis due to empty nest syndrome and wondering, why? Aren't we raising our kids so they can go forth and fly? If that's out goal, what's with this 'syndrome' thing? I think when your identity is so dependent on being 'mom' that when it's time for your kids to leave home, it really can through you into some sort of identity crisis. Of sorts.

We do it in a gradual way. We bought a house four houses up and Bear and Blade moved in there not long afterwards, when they were both 18 and over. Blade moved back home when Bear moved Pear in there with him. Once Bear and Pear went to college Blade moved in the other house again, this time with Wonderboy. That was about 15 months ago and hardly a day goes by that Wonderboy isn't here playing video games, scrounging through the fridge, washing clothes, playing guitar, ... There have been times I've had to ask him to go home so I could go to bed at night. He's here a LOT.

Today Bear is coming to pick him up because he starts classes Monday at the same college Bear and Pear go to. I've worried myself sick about what kind of trouble Wonderboy could get into at the college and how I won't be there to stay on top of him, letting him know it's not ok and I'm fully aware. He narrowly missed having to serve 10 days in jail, somehow pulling a rabbit out of his seemingly inexhaustible hat of tricks and working out a deal with the Judge to give him one more chance to satisfy the terms of his probation. I'm worried that his "hat" will run out of luck at some point and that scares me. I'm also a tad worried about how he'll manage without being around us. He'll have Bear there this semester but so far, every time he's 'left home' he's come back shortly afterwards. The longest he's been away was when he went to boot camp. He came home a few weeks later ... just couldn't handle not being home and found a way to get himself medically discharged. I'm hoping that having his big brother around will help him transition into living away from home and he won't have to go to any great and/or damaging lengths to get back home again.

And I'll miss him. The boy flat drives me crazy most of the time. He's a thousand questions rolled into one challenging ball that hits you with the force of a small tornado. He has unrealistic expectations of how he fits into the world. He's young, after all. He's absolutely sure his way is the only way. For everyone. Saying that's annoying is an understatement. But it makes me laugh sometimes, too. He's great with one-liners and goofy jokes, loves a good prank. The boy is funny. Can't deny that. And I have to admit that as brash and self-serving as he is, he does care about others. Doesn't always show but he does.

He was glued to my side for years to the point I couldn't use the bathroom or even sleep without him being on me. He's the only of our four to sleep with us. It started once he could free himself from his crib and of his own doing. I don't agree with co-sleeping. At all. But I did it, every single night, with Wonderboy. Even when I'd carry my sleeping bundle back to his crib we'd wake up, sure as fire, to him between us in the morning. I remember when a new shrink was trying to get him to open up. The Doctor tried to goad him into it by suggesting something about me that wasn't flattering. Worked like a charm as Wonderboy jumped out of his seat and, very animatedly, leapt to my defense, going off on the Doc for even suggesting anything bad of me. It made the Doctor chuckle and surprised the crap out of me because, at that point, I'd have sworn on a stack of Bibles that the boy hated the very ground I walked on.

Full of surprises, that's a good way to describe him.

He's cost me countless nights of sleep, given me more headaches than the rest of my brood combined and sometimes has made me wish he'd move out on his own away from us just so he can start growing up. But I'm going to miss seeing him every day. Terribly so. I haven't slept much this year. At all. There have been several nights I couldn't sleep a wink. I've run myself down to the point I've wondered if I was going crazy. It finally dawned on me last night that I'm just worried about him moving an hour away. I'm already missing him. I don't know what the future holds for him nor do I know if he's really ready to meet it head on. I've literally worried myself sick (feels like my throat is full of nasty big shards of glass and my head is KILLING me). Blade is still four houses away and Babygirl is just 14. So it's not like all of my kids have left the nest but, as I did when Bear moved away, I think I feel like there is a chip in the word "Mom". Another piece of it flying off into the winds of the unknown. Ironic to feel sad when this is what my goal has been all along ... to raise them and let them fly. So why, when it's time to fly, do I want to clip their wings for awhile longer?

Dunno. But I sorta do. It's exciting to think he's starting college, true enough. But I'm going to miss him just as much as I'm looking forward to him going. Special kind of crazy and all that.