Accident pictures

Mike and Babygirl are healing up, slowly and surely, and we're trying to get back to some semblance of 'normal'. Mike, as expected, is trying to do too much and Babygirl is in better spirits. What a week. Mike's uncle contacted him via Facebook yesterday to tell him he should have been driving because he has "truck driver experience". His message rambled on and on but when he told Mike that he forgave both him and Babygirl, oof. That upset me. He defended Julie for not wearing her seat belt, said it was God's will that she died, told Mike to get a grip, .... Then he asked for details on what happened and rounded it out by asking if Mike would come to South Carolina and teach him to pick a guitar, saying he was really into the blues.

I replied to him, explaining who I was and what had happened with that sudden gust of wind slamming into the trailer and tossing it like a toy. Even if Mike had been driving the same thing could have happened. I told him what the Trooper and witnesses said but he'd seen a preliminary right up on line that only mentioned the roads were wet at the time of the accident and sent the link to me to prove I was wrong and he was right. Long story short, he's now blocked from contacting Mike.

Mike's big truck (semi) has a bad head and still isn't fixed. He's wanting to go back to work this week but he'd have to drive a straight instead of his automatic and there's no way he could do that. Plus, I've told him that even though my feet are smaller than his they're plenty big enough for me to put my foot down on him going back to work yet. His shoulder is broken, he can't move his other wrist without a lot of pain yet, he has the most massive and painful looking bruising all over his body that causes him to wince every time he tries to get up, walk around, .... Think it'd be easier to deal with it all if he could go back to work and get back to "normal". He's always been that way, would rather get back to taking care of us than talk through anything that's bothering him. Plus he's worried about money. He's going to have to use all of his vacation time to cover his time out from work as he recovers and he's not happy about that.

Standing in front of this truck the other day was sobering. Still makes my stomach clench looking at the pictures, thinking about what happened, what could have happened, ...

Only tire that wasn't flat and on the rim was the back drivers side tire. They put a tarp over the top so it wouldn't rain in the truck. Inside of the truck is horrendous.

We're still unsure how we're going to get the trailer back but Julie's kids are going to get her stuff out of it and then we'll figure it out. Still some debate on insurance for it. We have full coverage on the truck but our agent said that doesn't extend to the trailer as Mike's boss should have had insurance on it. Confusing.

I have the before picture but I won't post it. She had thick blood caked all over her face and her hair is a darkish rusty red from the blood. Figured a cleaned up face shot would be best. Her eyes are now blacked, new bruising STILL coming up and although the swelling is better today, she still can't open her eyes all the way.

In other news, one of the sockets from where I had the molars on the right side of my face removed feels infected, like an abscessed tooth. Can't chew, jaw feels SO FREAKING TIGHT and the pain, oh my. Wondering if that's what they call dry socket, even though the socket doesn't look dry. That big pot of mashed potatoes I was going to make the other day, (but wound up making a pureed asparagus soup that was really good) may be supper tonight. Nice and soft ...

She felt needed

Mike and Babygirl are sitting in the living room, resting. I think we're all still trying to process what happened, come to terms with it being real. It doesn't feel real yet. I mean, it does in that I *know* it happened, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. Not trying to be vague on purpose, I'm getting to it. It's just, I don't even.

Mike's oldest sister has lived in Minnesota for, wow, maybe 30 years? Her husband divorced her some time back and since she's just wanted out. More than that, she wanted to feel wanted, a part of something, that sense of family where you know you're 'home', welcome, loved, needed. She's had a lot of health issues and needed help so we offered for her to move here with us. She jumped at the chance, happy tears even knowing we wanted her. Right now that's what is getting me the most. Hearing the pure joy and excitement in her voice. Part of me feels like, you know, she finally knew she had a place, a home, family. She felt wanted.

She never made it out of Minnesota, though. That's another part that's really getting me. My thoughts are all over the place, jumping here and there in wild circles so let me just get to what happened last night.

Mike and Babygirl drove up to her house yesterday and started packing her up. Mike had borrowed a covered trailer from his boss to haul all of her belongings in back here to Iowa because the forecast was rainy. Babygirl still has her permit but she was driving. Of all our kids, she's the best driver. Crazy but Mike has said so many times that he never feels tense when she's driving, that she's attentive, listens well and handles the road like a champ. The people who saw the accident said she was doing great right up until the wind caught the trailer.

North of Minneapolis there's a stretch where construction crews have removed a big 'wind-block' of trees to prep an area for development. The lack of the wind block has created a situation where there can be a big gust of wind when you drive past the area. The gusts that hit the trailer were 35-40 mph and witnesses said the wind started throwing the trailer around. They jackknifed and Babygirl over-corrected  Twice. Then she went into the median and the truck flipped and rolled two times, landing on the drivers side. Cops said Mike and Babygirl wearing their seatbelts is what saved them.

Julie, Mike's sister, wasn't wearing hers. She was ejected from the truck when it started rolling and landed on her head on the pavement. The truck stopped blocking the northbound lanes ... they'd been headed south. They said Julie didn't suffer, that she died instantly.

When Mike called me he didn't know where Julie was. I could hear Babygirl in the background in full-on-panic crying. My stomach crunched and went straight to my toes hearing her. When Bear and I got to the hospital she was asleep, her face and forehead so swollen. She has gnarly bruising, seven stitches above her eye, her hair was soaked (and hard to the touch) with dried blood, some of it from Mike because he was hung in his seatbelt over top of her, bleeding on her. Her hands had been covered in blood from where he was bleeding on her. They were both knocked out in the rollover and when Mike came to, people who'd been behind them on the road were removing the windshield to free Babygirl from the truck.

Mike's shoulder is 'broken', but because of where it is they can't really do much but sling it.There's a dime-sized disc of bone that broke off right where the ball of his shoulder joint moves around in the socket. He's covered in bruises, lot of swelling here and there and his scalp looks completely bloody even after a good rinse because it's so bruised. Still finding bits of glass from the windows on both of them.

I can't believe Julie didn't make it. She's dead. It doesn't seem real even though I know it is. I called both their other sisters today and told them what happened. Those are super hard calls to make and I found myself wondering WTH as I explained what happened. Why am I saying this stuff? It didn't really happen did it?

I called Julie's kids last night to tell them there'd been an accident and CPR was preformed on Julie. At the time I didn't know she'd died. They found out when they got to the hospital. They told Mike they've been on Julie's case for years trying to get her to wear a seatbelt but she just wouldn't do it. Is it bad of me that I'm a little bit mad at her for not wearing her seatbelt? I mean, I know she had a doctor's note because of her hip, one that said she didn't have to wear one. But. It could have saved her life. It saved Mike and Babygirl. It could have saved her, too.

We're worried about how this is going to effect and or affect Babygirl. I'm worried about how Mike is going to deal with this once it's fully set in. He's getting there, processing that it happened, but I don't think any of us have fully felt that, yeah, this happened.

I keep going back to how she just wanted to feel needed. She did, too. And part of my head is saying that should give some sort of solace, if that can be had from this. Just makes me want to cry though. Doesn't seem fair.

Holy Moley, I need to fire my planner

Mike being on the road so much means that I try and plan important events for when he's home. Like, our trip to the zoo on Sunday (working on a post about that, it's in my drafts folder at the moment) and doctors appointments on Monday and yesterday, Tuesday. Sometimes that means cramming a bunch of them together because he only has so much time at home. And hey, I'm a tough nut, right? I can take it.

Or not. Turns out, I fold like a baby when I hurt. Something I keep forgetting until I hurt again. Funny how that works.

Monday Mike and I hit the road again (Sunday's trip to the Zoo in Omaha was, one way, around a three hour drive) for another longish drive to head to Des Moines (2 1/2 to 3 hours one way, depending on traffic) to see one of my retina doctors. Mike couldn't get in for my Thursday appointment in Ft. Dodge for this so we had to push it out until Monday. My doctor had a few days off so we saw the retina specialist I met back in January, a really nice doctor who since has come to see me when he's heard I was in the office and check on my progress. I prefer my doctor but I'm very comfortable with this other one so I didn't mind him doing the injection at all.

What I do mind, however, is the nurse I had this last time. People, if you ever find yourself in need of ocular injections (happens to a lot of older folks in the way of treating macular diseases) you HAVE to make sure they give the numbing drops time to work before giving you the numbing injection. I can't stress that enough. I'm not a tough nut after all. This nurse put numbing drops in my eye, dabbed my eye, handed me a kleenex so I could dab my eye, put another drop in, dabbed and then immediately gave me the numbing injection.

The word "hurt" that I use so often when feeling pressure or little pinches from the injections has now and forever been put into much better perspective. So much so, I'd like to apologize for acting like a drama queen and even daring to use that four letter word because I now understand just how bad it can hurt. Like, 40 freaking hells! Like, hours later it still hurt so much I could barely stand to be in my own skin. Mike said her hand was shaking like crazy when she gave me the numbing injection. Maybe that's why she had to do it again (immediately after the first attempt) and maybe that's why it was so intense. It felt like she jammed a metal rod into my eye that had pinchers on it and those pinchers stayed in my eyeball for hours, just a-pinching. Was a sharp pain that I found quite shocking. I cried all the way home.

Good news, though. Currently, both my eyes are stable again (though, I still got an injection of Avastin in my good eye because we can't let that eye go bad again) and he's going to send written notice to my regular eye doctor telling him it's ok to do an exam for new glasses. FINALLY! Only took a little over a year to get the new glasses I was after that started all of this. (and by started, I mean brought this whole condition to my attention) So, woot!

Tuesday morning I went in for those labs I said I wasn't going to do yet. When the nurse called and said, 'hey, can we go ahead and reschedule the labs to check your three month sugar levels and cholesterol  I said, 'sure, how's Tuesday morning' without even thinking. I still don't think it was a good idea as the three monther is going to show me on the Prednisone and then me constantly getting sick afterwards. It's going to be high. Still, I said yes and then felt stuck so I went ahead and got them done. On the way home from the lab work yesterday morning a red battery light warning kept flashing on the dash of my Tahoe. Mike had to replace the alternator before we went to my dentist yesterday afternoon. I'm so glad that, so far, the Tahoe has opted to break down while he's home!

The dentist ... oh my, I so love this man. He's patient to a fault and goes sooooooo incredibly easy with me as I've been bluntly honest about my dentist phobia. Couldn't ask for a better doctor period. He's also bluntly honest about my teeth and I appreciate that. The xrays showed my roots have gotten smaller (which is a good thing for me in that the shorter they are, the better I numb up) and, again, he told me my teeth are going bad from the inside out. I've had three abscesses in the last two months, the third one starting the day I took the last two doses of the Augmentin for the second abscess. The third abscess gave me a hard pea sized knot on my jawbone, a knot of infection. Didn't hurt too much as long as I didn't mash on the knot (doing so made me feel as though someone had taken a baseball bat to my jaw bone and cracked it) and we opted to work on that side of my mouth yesterday.

So all of the molars on the right side of my mouth are now gone.

And omg, I hurt so badly.

The tooth that was abscessed slid right out of my mouth as soon as he started pressing on it. Was a super simple extraction!! One he had to cut in half to remove and one was "stuck good" in my jaw. Although I was super numb during the process, that one that was so well rooted hurt coming out did hurt and I knew my jaw was going to be super painful once the numbing stuff wore off.

And ohmyhell, it hurts. I'm using an ice pack, 30 minutes on/30 minutes off and Tylenol for the pain. I went to bed early last night thinking if I could get to sleep, I wouldn't realize I was in pain. (haha) I woke suddenly as I was leaping out of bed choking on blood. I'm a mouth breather so I don't swallow as much in my sleep (otherwise known as a serious drool beast) and I guess a bit of blood had pooled up in my mouth when I did swallow. I decided to get up, grab the ice pack, Tylenol and remote to the tv and not go back to bed until the pain had lessened. Worked, too, as I didn't get up again until 6:30 this morning. It's very swollen inside my mouth (and the lower right half of my face) and when I realized Mike wasn't home, I cried for a minute before getting up and grabbing the ice pack and my little bottle of peace.

He's on his way to Minnesota to pick up his sister as she's moving in with us today. I'm still not sure what made me think planning all of this so close together was a good idea but, I did it. Won't do it again. I go back to my dentist in a couple weeks to have the molars on the other side of my mouth pulled. He's certain he can fix my denture by relining it to be softer and fit me correctly. The bottom partial will take awhile to get as he wants to make sure the swelling and shrinkage have time to finish before getting a "permanent" partial. I'll just be glad when the pain is over.

Wonder if it's ok to just make a giant batch of mashed potatoes for supper tonight? Not sure if Mike and his sister will be back by then or not, but I can't chew anything and it'd rock for me. My usual 'tater peeler' went with Mike so I'll have to bribe someone else to do it. Otherwise I'll just warm up some soup and let everyone else fend for themselves.

This thing with 'wild' animals has GOT to go

I smoke outside on my front porch during the day and night. I don't smoke in the house because Boo, my grandbaby, lives with us and she can't just walk away out of the smell and smoke, you know? Did the same when mine were little, too. Back home in North Carolina I was about to go outside one night to smoke when I got the fright of my life on opening my screen door. A possum was eating a tomato that had dropped onto the porch earlier that evening and let me know super fast that I wasn't allowed outside. Like, bared teeth as he stood up and screamed at me. Didn't want any interruptions during dinner I guess.

I almost crapped myself having never seen a possum before. Oh, and I certainly didn't expect to see one on my front porch! I mean, I lived in the city and critters like that belong in the woods or something. Right?

Last year I went outside to smoke one night. We had food out for a kitten that had kind of adopted us and as I was in the process of sitting down on the bench I causally looked over at the food to see if the kitten was there. Instead of the cutest kitten I've ever seen in my life I saw an oddly large butthole under the very fluffed up tail of a skunk. Not making that up. A freaking skunk was eating the cat food two feet from where I was sitting. It's a wonder I didn't break half the bones in my body the way I flew back in the house! I'd say I silently cursed Murphy but I'm betting they heard me five houses down.

A couple of weeks ago I was, again, at night, in the dark, smoking on my porch when I realized something was RIGHT THERE. Another skunk. Not sure who was more scared, me or the skunk, but it ran off before I could get inside. Oh, and there's the owl that whoo whoo hoots at night with a hoot so large my mind imagines the owl must be the size of a damn barn. It's close enough to the house to shut up when I tell it to, though it only stops for a minute before starting up again. I've been awakened in the middle of the night by it's hooting. I am not fond of this dinosaur sized owl.

And a month or so back I went outside wondering who was in my driveway blaring what reminded me of church music. We have two trees right beside the dining room windows that were so incredibly full of birds you couldn't see the trees for all the birds. They flew off when I hollered at them to pipe down. Then there's the evil bunny rabbit complete with a small white fluffy tail that's trying to shave a life or two off me in the middle of the night when it suddenly appears off the side of the porch. It's a rabbit, and a small one at that, but it's the sudden appearance that gets me. Never expect it.

I'm forgetting one. Oh. The neighbors across the street have a cat that really likes going in our big garage whenever he pleases. He can also fly down the side of the tree by the front porch at lightening speeds on a whim, taking me by complete surprise and making me think I'm about to be attacked by a horde of angry squirrels. I've only seen him do this once (was in the middle of the night) but I was half asleep at the time and it added to the drama. By a lot. Especially since we have a squirrel that DOES in fact charge the front porch when he sees me outside. He just seems so angry all the time and I think he thinks either I'm a nut or have some on me. Dunno but I'll swat him with my broom if he gets within two feet of me again.

But I can top all of that. I can top the porch charging squirrel, the midnight skunk visits and even the tremendous in number flock of birds. All with one word. Croaker. She keeps letting herself out via the doggy door (the lock is broke and she's figured out how to lift it herself) whenever she wants. I heard her outside last night doing her 'I'm horny and in need of a .... dude cat' call thing. Was how I realized she'd gotten out again. When she jumped up from the darkness as I was smoking earlier tonight, to be let back in, she didn't startle me this time. I was halfway expecting her.

What I wasn't expecting was for her to eat and then let herself out again. Talk about feeling used! She's on the front porch right now wanting in. Only, and this is what tops all of the above, SHE BROUGHT FRIENDS HOME! I opened my door a few moments ago to go smoke and slammed it shut quick! I opened it again to see if I'd really seen what I thought I'd seen and, sure enough, there were cats EVERYWHERE! She was right in the middle of them, maybe still is. Dunno. Can't let her in without the rest trying to get in. Think I counted six cats. I had to go out back to smoke and could hear more cats, least, I hope it was cats, in the small garage. It feels a bit like the Twilight Zone over here. They're trying to take over because they either haven't heard of Moxxie OR they just don't smell her here.

Speaking of Mox, OMG, she's been behaving horribly today. She's peed in the house, pooped in the house, drank my damn coffee again and has acted in the most bizarre manner, suddenly running towards the doors barking like the boogey man is about to enter the house. Puts all the hair on me standing straight up when she does that shit. Betting it was Croaker's friends that had her acting like a maniac today. I'd like my cat back inside but her posse' isn't welcome. We haven't left any food out since the skunk nearly gave me a heart attack last year so I don't know why they're staying put on my front porch. I don't like suddenly being in the presence of animals I don't know at night and right now there's at least five on my porch. Ugh.

I tried banging on the door and telling them to go on but they didn't run. They got up close to the door like I was about to let them in. Dammit Croaker! Not funny.

Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned

I went to my regular doctor today to get an antibiotic for this tooth and, I'd hoped, get a starting point on finding what the hell is wrong with me. I need a starting point but I have no idea where that is. What kind of doctor do you go to so they can find out what's going on with your immune system?? My retina specialist said he thinks there's something very wrong in my body causing my immune system to attack me but he's clueless on what that is. Googling on immune system disorders has scared me as you can take a set of symptoms and match them to SO VERY MANY horrible things.

Which leaves me clueless as well on many fronts.

I never brought the whole immune system thing up with my doctor, though. Not even a peep.

I'm going to make this as vague as I can and still relate what happened Tuesday night because I have a feeling there'd be a few people that would have my ass if they read this. So, with that in mind ....

Tuesday night I got a text from one of my kids asking if they could talk to me for a few. I've never seen my kid so upset before ... made my stomach jump really. They have an online friend who'd threatened suicide and they hadn't heard from this friend for almost an hour. I asked how to spell the friend's last name and said I'd try to find a phone number for a relative and have them find the friend, make sure they were ok. Turns out my kid had a phone number but hadn't called because they A) didn't know what to do B) could barely talk because they were so upset and C) were afraid it would make the friend mad at them.

So I called the relative and explained who I was and what was going on. I'd want to get that call even if it was from a total stranger, you know? Long story short, the friend was found and rushed to the hospital for an evaluation (friend is fine, just having a problem with meds not playing nice with each other) and my kid, after I explained it to them, felt better after realizing they not only helped but was responsible for help getting to the friend. Another of my kids was in a SUPER similar situation a week ago only we all knew, including my kid from above, and I think that situation happening just a few days ago made this one that much scarier.

When I was ready to leave for the doctor this morning and my kid asked to go with me, I immediately saw that they just didn't want to be alone and said ok, sure. I didn't get to talk to the doctor alone and, after the night before, damn sure didn't want to talk openly about how terrified my immune system has me. They don't need unnecessary worry, especially at a point when it could be one of any number of things. I did, however, ask Mike if he has life insurance on me just incase. Cause, it could be anything at this point and a lot of the anythings are scary.

I left with an antibiotic and an appointment to come back in on Thursday morning for a 12 hour fasting blood draw to check fasting sugar level, the test that shows the last three months of blood levels and one for cholesterol  I'm not going, though. My fasting one will be between 150-220 (still in a LOT of pain with these stupid infected teeth and it's jumping really high first thing in the morning). The three month one will show me on the Prednisone and then the last month and a half of the chronic joint and muscle pain (pain raises my sugar levels) and I think that makes it redundant. I want to put this off awhile. She said the antibiotic is going to tear my system a new one (I'm paraphrasing) and to start eating more yogurt and taking probiotics every day to lessen the length and severity.

When I call in the morning, outside in the wonderful winter weather we're having tomorrow where no one can hear me, and explain why I'm not coming I'm going to ask for a referral to a doctor who can, hopefully, fix my immune system. I don't have any glands swollen right now to try and fight this infection. That's really sad as usually, by now, it's kicked in and helping out.

In other somewhat related news I called our insurance company today to see if they covered sedation dentistry. The VERY SLOOOOOOW speaking monotoned man told me that if I had a diagnosis of chemotherapy or leukemia, no problem. WTH???

I'm done

I have been amazed at how my pain levels have decreased all the way back to normal since I stopped using Splenda. It's upsetting in a major way and, if I'm honest, it really pisses me off. Subbing a packet of Splenda in my coffee in lieu of sugar was supposed to be good for me, not throw me back into constant chronic pain. I was going to start using it again tomorrow and see what happens but I'm afraid to now. But never fear, Murphy dear, the pain in my tooth is so incredible I not only didn't cook yesterday, I only had a little slice of a Jack's cheese pizza all day long.

And that nearly did me in.

I'm done. I keep putting off going to the dentist and having my bottom teeth pulled because I don't want to deal with it. It's not cheap and although we have a credit card paid off and waiting for me to take care of my teeth, I don't want to put any charges on it. Pear took care of the groceries this week because things are just so freaking tight and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I was able to fill up the Tahoe and I can put gas in the truck also ... Wonderboy wasn't able to save any gas money to get him back and forth to work from his last check (and didn't warn me either. I hate expensive surprises) so that's been on us, plus Babygirl has her drivers ed classes (22 miles away one way each time) along with her Kenpo twice a week. And Blade may have a job which means I'll need to put gas in his truck, too, to get him back and forth until he gets paid. Gas is freaking killing us. Everything is so spread out here it's insane how much gas we use every week.

Anyway, I hate running up another credit card when we're still struggling trying to pay down the rest of them. But. This is two abscesses in the last couple of months and that's pretty damn ridiculous. There were times I couldn't talk above a whisper yesterday. It hurts to even swallow and I can't sleep more than a couple hours before I'm back up swishing with warm salt water or taking more  Tylenol and or aspirin to try and lessen the pain. It's so bad I'm taking Sudafed (I take half doses as a full dose does me in) every four hours. I hate dentures so badly and sometimes, even though I know it was the best choice for my top teeth, I regret getting them. I'm told I need a new upper and once I get it, the difference will blow my socks off. Mine doesn't fit right.

Oh, and switching back to the money thing, did I mention Babygirl's laptop died? Looks like something exploded on the motherboard ... we're not sure what "it" used to be, just that it's 'not' anymore.

I think, after having gone through so many eye injections, that I can handle the numbing shots in my gum and the pain from where I don't numb right (have ginormous roots, a literal quote from my dentist, and the length of them keep me from numbing all the way). That's been my other reason to keep putting this off. I have a real issue with needles and pain and my three-feet-of-personal-space being invaded. I also can't stand being on my back that long. But, as I said, I think I can handle it better now than I did when I had my top teeth pulled.

OH! And speaking of the sugar/Splenda thing, my blood sugar levels have decreased over the week as well. Regularly reading 148 or there abouts the last couple days, though I didn't even try to take a reading yesterday. I expected it to go way up since I'm using sugar in my coffee so I'm pleasantly surprised even though I know that's still high. It's just not *as* high. I've also found I detest unsweetened tea. I only had one glass of tea this week and I purposely neglected to sweeten it. I don't understand how Mike drinks it like that! BLECH! Hoping I can get used to it that way but ... I dunno.

Anyway. Going to contact another dentist tomorrow and see when I can get in to start having these teeth pulled. It's stupid how something so small (relatively speaking) can cause this much pain.

The Splenda experiment

I stopped using Splenda (as of Sunday) and went back to a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee everyday. Well, I used a pack yesterday in one cup before it hit me that upping the sugar to a teaspoon and a half per cup might help fight the bitter taste. I can't drink straight coffee and use milk and a sweetener because of that ghod awful bitter taste. Monday night I was sitting on the couch watching the telly with Babygirl when I realized two things.

This chronic joint pain I've had for over a month was a teeny tiny bit less.

And two, that it must all be in my head if I felt any relief after just a day of no Splenda.

But each day it's a little bit less and I honestly don't know if this is in my head or real or because of weather or a million other things. So I'm going to keep off the Splenda for the rest of this week and start using it again on Monday to see what happens.

Sunday afternoon I fixed a complex dinner that left me standing for a couple hours getting it done. That had me in tears because the pain has just been so intense it's flat overwhelming. It's not just a joint or two, it's nearly every joint in my body. And by the time you hit my hips, it was everything all the way down to my feet. Plus, the arch in my right foot fell again and that never feels good. I bet there are dead people that could walk faster than I was walking. Each step was a serious exercise in determination! I'm walking normal again, or close to *my* normal and last night I was able to get down in the floor beside the tub and give Boo her bath without a ton of pain.

So is it in my head? I am awfully hard-headed ....

I've also noticed I don't feel as depressed. Sometimes it takes these bouts of pain filled days and nights for me to remember how depressing life is when you hurt all the time. Still, I hope it's weather-related or in my head or .... dunno, the fact that I seriously need to dust my ENTIRE house or something that's causing the pain because I do not want to give up coffee. I don't know what's left in terms of sweeteners to use if it's the Splenda. There are others out there but they're plant based and I react strongly to a lot of plant-based products (hair care, skin care, food-wise, detergents, ...). I've never wanted to go completely sugar-free because I don't think it's something I can realistically keep up. I want lifestyle changes but I want to make sure I'm not setting myself up for failure by reaching for the unobtainable. Make sense?

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see what comes of this Splenda experiment. I'm not sure a couple weeks is enough to really determine if I should give it up but I guess we'll see.